I have been helping my brother with his DJ business the last several days. This is bigger than it may seem to those who don’t know me. We haven’t hung out this much in years, literally since our childhood. We didn’t have the sanest adolescent years. We didn’t get along at all for many years. He has recently been reaching out to me and I just didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t trust him. Not that I trust him much more now, but I have very little to lose at this point. We have been getting along pretty well. We did a lot of work today. I have been mulling over the fact that I didn’t want to get into a money issue with him, but I don’t want to work for free either. I don’t want to have him owing me money and if I have a chance to make some elsewhere, that has got to me my priority. Well, I told him that today. This is probably the most direct I’ve ever been with anyone, ever. I hadn’t thought about that until my wife, of all people, pointed it out to me. She was pretty impressed, and I have to admit that it felt pretty good to hear her praise, although it was more a statement than praise. Still, this is progress.

Okay, today I try a new blogger app. I’ll try it out and see how it goes. It has a lot more options than the one I was using. I had the most bizarre dream last night. It had time traveling dump trucks and transdimensional flashlights and this really big lion-man guy that saved the day. I wonder what brought that dream on. I’ve been having odd ones lately.
Today is my five year wedding anniversary – pretty depressing timing, if you ask me. She’s pretty upset, and honestly, so am I. I just don’t show it as easily. I need a beer. I’m kidding. I need several. Ahhh. Life.

Today is my first break from my new employment. We’ll work a short day tomorrow, have about a week off after that and then work a 60-80 hour week for a couple different shows. One of the upcoming shows is Prom at Lebanon High School. That ought to be interesting. I wonder if I’ll see Shelly. I was there once years ago.I like the work so far. There’s a lot of heavy lifting and moving, but it feels good to be doing something, and getting paid for it. I am feeling more real than I have in a while. I’m not any closer to a decision about my marriage. I talked to her for a while after I moved all my stuff out. She was surprised. She didn’t expect me to move everything. That was the impression I got. She called, very upset. She later accepted that what I did was probably for the best and that maybe she had meant that when she asked me to move stuff. So we talked for a couple hours and I remain about as confused as I have ever been. If someone where to ask me if I wanted to be married, I would say no. However, if someone were to ask me if I want to get divorced, I would also say no. So where does that leave me? Stuck, as usual.

Okay, so a pipe broke in the back storage room in the basement at my wife’s house. She called to let me know that I should move everything out of there so it doesn’t get wet. And while I’m at it I may as well just take it out of the house, since I am most likely not ever moving back. This is it then. This is the beginning of the end. I am, understadably, upset. I am angry, sad, excited, nervous. This is what I want isn’t it? Is that what I’m afraid of? Being wrong? Is that why I have such a hard time making decisions? I’m afraid of making a mistake. But what if not doing anything, not deciding, is an even bigger mistake. That’s okay I guess, since I can ignore reality. I can medicate and make it all go away…

First Post

I worked hard today helping set up and break down for a wedding. My new career? My brother’s a DJ and he got this part time gig setting up lights, etc. for events – weddings, proms, stuff like that. Lots of money in it from what it sounds like. It’s kind of like being a roadie, except for the glam, I guess. It’s hard work, but fun. Gotta go in tonight at midnight to break down, which should take 3-4 hours. Late, late night, long day. But it’s a paycheck, which have been in short supply lately.
It’s sort of ironic that I’m was setting up a wedding today. My 5 year anniversary is in 5 days. Not that there is anything to celebrate right now. I’m trying to face the reality of the situation and it’s been difficult. We’ve been separated for almost 9 months now. When will I admit that it’s over? When will I decide it’s time to move on and get my life started again?