Today is my first break from my new employment. We’ll work a short day tomorrow, have about a week off after that and then work a 60-80 hour week for a couple different shows. One of the upcoming shows is Prom at Lebanon High School. That ought to be interesting. I wonder if I’ll see Shelly. I was there once years ago.I like the work so far. There’s a lot of heavy lifting and moving, but it feels good to be doing something, and getting paid for it. I am feeling more real than I have in a while. I’m not any closer to a decision about my marriage. I talked to her for a while after I moved all my stuff out. She was surprised. She didn’t expect me to move everything. That was the impression I got. She called, very upset. She later accepted that what I did was probably for the best and that maybe she had meant that when she asked me to move stuff. So we talked for a couple hours and I remain about as confused as I have ever been. If someone where to ask me if I wanted to be married, I would say no. However, if someone were to ask me if I want to get divorced, I would also say no. So where does that leave me? Stuck, as usual.

Okay, so a pipe broke in the back storage room in the basement at my wife’s house. She called to let me know that I should move everything out of there so it doesn’t get wet. And while I’m at it I may as well just take it out of the house, since I am most likely not ever moving back. This is it then. This is the beginning of the end. I am, understadably, upset. I am angry, sad, excited, nervous. This is what I want isn’t it? Is that what I’m afraid of? Being wrong? Is that why I have such a hard time making decisions? I’m afraid of making a mistake. But what if not doing anything, not deciding, is an even bigger mistake. That’s okay I guess, since I can ignore reality. I can medicate and make it all go away…

First Post

I worked hard today helping set up and break down for a wedding. My new career? My brother’s a DJ and he got this part time gig setting up lights, etc. for events – weddings, proms, stuff like that. Lots of money in it from what it sounds like. It’s kind of like being a roadie, except for the glam, I guess. It’s hard work, but fun. Gotta go in tonight at midnight to break down, which should take 3-4 hours. Late, late night, long day. But it’s a paycheck, which have been in short supply lately.
It’s sort of ironic that I’m was setting up a wedding today. My 5 year anniversary is in 5 days. Not that there is anything to celebrate right now. I’m trying to face the reality of the situation and it’s been difficult. We’ve been separated for almost 9 months now. When will I admit that it’s over? When will I decide it’s time to move on and get my life started again?